Like many of you, my life has been challenging and my circumstances painful. Because of this, I became very angry with God. I believed God hated me and abandoned me because He did not rescue me from my torment. My dad, the most important person in my life that I should have been able to trust, betrayed my trust in unspeakable ways. As a result, during my developmental years, I was scarred emotionally. This began many years of dysfunctional living. The pain that began in childhood took a huge toll on me well into adulthood.
At this point, I didn’t want anything to do with God. I took control of my life and found ways to survive and numb the unimaginable pain. I wanted to know, where was God in all of this? I have learned that He was right there beside me in torment projecting me and keeping the abuse from being worse than it was. For this, I thank Him.
Here at Faith Farm, I have learned that God gave us free will and that God would not stop my abusers from their bad choices any more than He stopped me from making my bad choices that have harmed others. I have learned that I grieved God by blaming Him for the abuse that I had endured and believe He allowed bad things to happen to me. It made me unhappy to see how sad I had made God by blaming Him; being angry at Him, turning my back on Him, and being self-centered. I thank God that even though I turned my back on Him and hated Him, He did not treat me the way I treated Him. I know God gave me free will, and I am glad I have chosen to no longer live under Satan’s control. I have chosen to quit being angry with God and stop playing the blame game. I have chosen to stop living in the past and giving the past control. I have chosen to give God control of my life. I chose to change.
The process of change was not easy or painless for me. I now know that any discomfort in honestly dealing with the root causes of my pain is far less than the recurring pain that would have continued to torment me if I had not chosen to change. I thank God for being with me and comforting me during the changing process. I thank God that I have not allowed fear to stop me from change as it has in the past.
Before coming to Faith Farm, I had lost all hope of my life ever changing. I was afraid to trust God, but I knew deep in my heart that God was the answer. During my stay at Faith Farm, the most impactful course for me was “The Wounded Heart.” This class helped me to heal, forgive myself, my abusers and most importantly, God. Having to change dorm rooms, drama class and wearing a dress helped me to learn to trust God, and together with Christ challenge my fears with victorious outcomes.
Being placed in leadership as room lead and dispatch lead helped me to learn leadership skills, and most importantly, to overcome my fear of me. I am thankful to God for placing men in my life that helped me to see that not all men are like the men from my past. I thank the staff and my fellow sisters for restoring my trust in Christian people, for your support, teaching, listening, and giving me unconditional love. This made me change my mind about Christians and even become one myself.
Thank you for allowing God to use you in your own special ways to change my life. I thank God that He gave Pappy the vision for Faith Farm; a protected space that God used to help me see who He truly is, and who I truly am in Him. Faith Farm also started me on my path to healing so I can become all that God intended for me to be. I thank God that I learned to follow the example of Christ, who was moved with compassion for sinners. He prayed for them as they nailed Him to the cross. This inspired me to forgive my dad and others who I held resentment towards for the abuse I endure.