Phyllis: U-Turn to God

My first bad choice was made at 16 years old when I started smoked weed.  Cocaine came shortly after, and I thought, “I’ll never be free of this.”  Anger and self-hatred followed and continued to grow.  I found out I was pregnant with my daughter when I was 25 years old.  It was only by the grace of God that I was able to leave cocaine alone.

When I first came to Faith Farm, I believed that I had fallen so far from grace that God would not forgive me this time.  I have since learned that is a lie.  I also carried a lot of guilt and shame upon arriving at Faith Farm.  I am a mother who was raised by a strong and beautiful Christian woman.  I should have known better.  I should have made better choices.

I attended church with my mom, and things seemed to be going well for a while.  Then I made the fatal mistake of thinking I could do this all on my own.  That was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.

Trying to fill a tremendous void in my life, I smoked weed.  When that didn’t work, I tried to numb the pain with xanax.  Still feeling the pain, I moved up to pain pills and thought, “I’ll never be free of this.”  All the while, the anger and the self-hatred still grew inside of me.

About 5 years ago, I discovered oxycontin.  I maintained what I thought was an okay amount for a while; still thinking, “I’ll never be free of this.”  About 2.5 years ago, my brother committed suicide, and that is when my life really took a turn for the worse.  By this time, I was up to almost 20 pills per day, and I knew I would never be free of this…or so I thought at the time.

I committed felony larceny and when the police came to my house, I was arrested in front of my daughter.  I went to jail and was there over a month.  Within five months, I had violated probation twice.  Still, that was not enough to get or keep me clean.  At this point, I was convinced that I would never be free from drugs, hate, anger, and rage.  Every time I thought of the look on my daughter’s face as I was taken away by the police, the self-hatred grew.

I came to Faith Farm thinking I would learn how to not get high when things got rough.  But, praise be to God, I have learned so much more.  I have learned who I am in Christ.  I’ve learned to hold my head up high, be a Godly woman, a better mother, respect authority and honor my mother.  By the grace of God, my mother and my children will never have to suffer at my hands again.

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