My first bad choice was made at 16 years old when I started smoked weed. Cocaine came shortly after, and I thought, “I’ll never be free of this.” Anger and self-hatred followed and continued to grow. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter when I was 25 years old. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to leave cocaine alone.
When I first came to Faith Farm, I believed that I had fallen so far from grace that God would not forgive me this time. I have since learned that is a lie. I also carried a lot of guilt and shame upon arriving at Faith Farm. I am a mother who was raised by a strong and beautiful Christian woman. I should have known better. I should have made better choices.
I attended church with my mom, and things seemed to be going well for a while. Then I made the fatal mistake of thinking I could do this all on my own. That was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.
Trying to fill a tremendous void in my life, I smoked weed. When that didn’t work, I tried to numb the pain with xanax. Still feeling the pain, I moved up to pain pills and thought, “I’ll never be free of this.” All the while, the anger and the self-hatred still grew inside of me.
About 5 years ago, I discovered oxycontin. I maintained what I thought was an okay amount for a while; still thinking, “I’ll never be free of this.” About 2.5 years ago, my brother committed suicide, and that is when my life really took a turn for the worse. By this time, I was up to almost 20 pills per day, and I knew I would never be free of this…or so I thought at the time.
I committed felony larceny and when the police came to my house, I was arrested in front of my daughter. I went to jail and was there over a month. Within five months, I had violated probation twice. Still, that was not enough to get or keep me clean. At this point, I was convinced that I would never be free from drugs, hate, anger, and rage. Every time I thought of the look on my daughter’s face as I was taken away by the police, the self-hatred grew.
I came to Faith Farm thinking I would learn how to not get high when things got rough. But, praise be to God, I have learned so much more. I have learned who I am in Christ. I’ve learned to hold my head up high, be a Godly woman, a better mother, respect authority and honor my mother. By the grace of God, my mother and my children will never have to suffer at my hands again.